I’m glad it’s not too late to tell all you manly men out there a few things on Fathers’ Day. I would have posted sooner, but I was busy taking care of the King of this Castle, doing my Domestic Goddess thing, letting him bask in the A/C while enjoying the U.S. Open.

Ladies, as most of you know, several years ago I explained what should be blatantly obvious: Nature made men to be our slaves. Bigger, stronger and loaded with the hormone of tunnel vision, testosterone. Can you say “short term thinkers?” Think of your dog when he sees a squirrel. No, wait, think of your husband when he sees a comfortable couch, a remote control and a tv with the U.S. Open on.

Better yet, think of Homer Simpson.

Where would he be without Marge? He’d weigh more than one of those guys on the Jerry Springer show who have to be removed from their filthy hovels on an aquatic sling designed for transporting whales, if he were lucky. More likely, his rotting 600 pound corpse would be found surrounded by empty doughnut boxes and beer cans in a $10 a night “Men Only” residence hotel on Springfield’s Skid Row.

To achieve his optimum performance, the male of the species requires the vision of a long-term thinker, one less subject to be stimulated by the last pretty object in her immediate line of vision, but one capable of appreciating what’s best in the long run. In other words, a woman to channel all that strength and testosterone into productive uses like mowing the lawn, killing spiders and providing for their families.

If you heard the show Friday night, you know that I was very distressed to read that there are actually men who feel guilty about not taking paternity leave. Are you kidding me? My first thought was “How in the world did this person produce a child in the first place? He must like a Ken doll, all smooth down there!” Guys, please don’t listen to these shrill, strident feminists. They don’t know what they are talking about when it comes to male-female relationships. Why should they? Take a look at them. Isn’t it pretty obvious from the dumpy physiques to the fuzzy underarms to the complete distain for even the slightest attempt to be attractive that any thing these women say about relationships with men must be completely theoretical? You can learn only so much from watching the Lifetime channel and reading Ms. Magazine, after all.
So kudos to all you guys out there. We don’t mind picking up your socks and underwear off the floor, or sweeping the crumbs off the counter after you make your sandwich, even if we do tease you about it. Going to sleep at night in your manly arms makes it more than worth it.

Fathers’ Day, U.S. Open, testosterone, Homer Simpson, Jerry Springer, feminists, male-female relationships, Lifetime channel, Ms. Magazine   

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