The Husband doesn’t know what’s about to hit him when he gets home. I don’t know whether to warm up the rolling pin or put a cot in the garage or both. Why is he in the doghouse? Because of his failure to bring me romantic gifts, of course! I got to thinking about that after reading this AP story “Clinton Talks of Bill’s Romantic Gifts.” No, I’m not making this up. It gets better than even that headline suggests the. Check this out:

Hillary Rodham Clinton says husband Bill often brings her romantic gifts: a giant wooden giraffe from an African trip, for example, and a Chanel watch that reminded him of teeth.

“Oh he’s so romantic,” the former first lady said in an interview for the November issue of Essence magazine. “He’s always bringing me back things from his trips.”

I don’t doubt that last statement. Herpes: it’s the gift that keeps on giving. And a giant wooden giraffe, too? What could be more romantic than that? Perhaps a copy of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. Oh wait …

And the Husband has never come close to anything as romantic as a watch that reminds him of my teeth. He’s never once brought me a present that shows how fondly he regards my chompers, or even shows that he’s thinking of them. I have to confess, I’ve never heard of any guy giving his beloved a romantic gift involving dental health, but then Bill Clinton has been known to has a special place in his heart for things oral, no?

Here’s the best part of this silly AP story:

“While sticking it out might not be for everyone, Mrs. Clinton said women should support each other in the choices they make in their marriages.

“I think it’s so important for women to stand up for the right of women to make a decision that is best for them,” she said.”

“While sticking it out might not be for every one? “ Are you kidding me? It’s clear that the AP writer has decided to throw in the towel and concede the obvious political agenda behind this silly article and go for the innuendo-based humor. (Shades of the Bill and Hill’s beach dance right before the Monica Lewinsky story hit.) Ok, I’ll bite, and no, that’s not an invitation for Bill Clinton to send me any teeth-themed gifts. Yes, Hillary, “sticking it out” might not be for everyone, but it seems to work for your old man, at least it did when he was in the Oval Office with his pants down around his ankles.

The writer’s succumbing to the irresistible impulse to mock Hillary and her attempt to convince the hopelessly gullible that she and Bill have a real marriage isn’t the really interesting part of that paragraph. The interesting part is the senator’s attempt to spin her willingness to tolerate the repeated humiliation inflicted on her by her zipper-challenged husband as an example of feminist empowerment. You thought her “sticking it out” with Bill despite his incessant cheating was about her bottomless pit of ambition that makes eating the excrement he served up year after year seem not only tolerable, but dare I say delicious. No, no, no. It’s all about a woman’s “right to choose,” and if you are for women’s rights, you’ll be all for it. Nice try, Hillarita, but most of us think standing up begins at home.

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